'Slipknot'

I listened to these guys play music. They wear masks.

'Reign in Blood'

Once considered the “heaviest album of ALL TIME.” As if ANYONE could know that. 

I like metal despite the fact that I hate most metal. Which doesn’t make sense. What I mean is that what metal that I deem good I really like to listen to and that includes only about 10 percent of all heavy metal.

I think metal’s one redeeming quality is – somewhat ironically – is the musicianship. It’s what bands in a lot of current metal groups don’t quite understand and why a lot of 1980s glam metal is severely underrated. Kids today think it’s about anger and disassociation with mainstream culture. At its purest, it’s about playing harder, faster and louder. It’s what Slayer and Metallica perfected in the 1980s.

However, the idea wasn’t just to be fast, but to play with the precision of a concert violinist. I’ve always argued that heavy metal has more roots in classical music (and punk, for that matter) than any other music genre.

Concerning nothing, Slayer guitarist Jeff Hanneman died recently. It was suspected that it was related to his suffering of necrotizing faciitis, a deep infection of the skin, which basically makes your flesh rot away. He claims to have gotten it from a spider bite.

A week later, we all learned Hanneman died to liver failure and had suffered from cirrhosis. He basically drank himself to death.

How metal.

'Follow the Leader'

Korn first appeared on my radar some time in high school (I suspect sophomore year) with the Life is Peachy album. They were annoying then and they never ceased to be completely obnoxious.

Worst of all, I think they’re completely disingenuous caricatures: The overly serious, “artistic” and forlorn lead singer; the devil-may-care eccentric bass player; and the enigmatic, quiet guitar players. Just a bunch of white boys with no identity (upon review, they seem to be very multi-ethnic although I think only the bass player is Hispanic). They wear the uniforms of some sad ghetto gangsta ... with feelings. Meanwhile being very angry!

I think you can tell a band’s make-up by their influences. This is Korn’s influences as reported in interviews: Metallica, Led Zeppelin, Alice in Chains, Sepultura, Faith No More, Red Hot Chili Peppers, Soundgarden, Helmet, Rage Against the Machine, Slayer, Pink Floyd, Primus, Tool, Ministry, Mr.Bungle, Biohazard, Nine Inch Nails, Pantera, Black Sabbath and Jane’s Addiction.

Actual influences are probably in the Tool, Primus and Ministry vain. They sound like none of the others. But secretly you sorta get the feeling they wished they did.  

'Antichrist Superstar'

I can tell you the exact place and the precise context where I first learned about Marilyn Manson.

I was in first-period gym class, freshman year of high school on the top step of the basketball gym bleachers when a kid named Dusty (a noted drug dealer, who often brought his wares out in full view of everyone) brought in a copy of the EP Smells Like Children. On the cover, a ghoulish, grinning Manson greets an unknowing public.

A year later, Antichrist Superstar came out and it scared the shit out of every parent in the world. Mostly because Manson had zero qualms with pushing the so-called limits of decency and civil behavior as defined by those who do not blaspheme, obsess about sex or who are nihilistic.

The irony of Marilyn Manson, over his career, is that there's not a bigger cartoon character in rock music. His facade is so incredibly fake that it's not really funny.

However, the true rock star, the geeky Brian Warner, who may or may not be Paul from The Wonder Years,  is a pretty wild, disturbing guy with extreme destructive tendencies and a penchant for the macabre. Brian's the real weirdo. Manson's a money-making gimmick.

Despite not really liking the music, I take every opportunity to ready about Manson because he's pretty interesting and doesn't pretend to think that he's four parts KISS and one part Aleister Crowley.

He's been sued so many  times -- giving a girl cocaine, who later died in a car wreck, assault of journalists, ripping off ex-band mates, vandalizing hotel rooms -- it's easy to lose count. Along the way, he's collected a number items including a child's skeleton, Nazi memorabilia, items made of human skin and other ghastly artifacts.

Although a little John, he's also a lot of Paul. He's been sued a lot and fallen in love even more times. He's been engaged twice (Rose McGowan and Rachel Wood) and married once (Dita Von Teese). The nuptials with Von Teese deteriorated as Manson's alcohol intake became too overwhelming.

Marilyn Manson, our true modern rock star.

'Roots'

This album was unbearable. Seventy-three minutes later and I finished the son of a bitch.

Metal sucks. Most of it sucks. Most sounds like 1970s hard rock. Deep Purple is nominally more heavy than most heavy metal and that includes Sepultura, apparently.

The infusion of "Brazilian" beats and whatnot was a complete failure. In fact, I think it's pretty pretentious to play metal and attempt to work in some Latin element so you can prove about how Brazilian you are.

I don't know. This is no longer a part of my life. I'm pretty sure I could have died without listening to this album.

'...And Justice For All' & 'S&M'

Appropriate bookends: Metallica, one of the world's foremost heavy metal bands, at their rawest and most dirty and grimy and then Metallica, the polished superstar metal band performing with an orchestra.

Granted, they can do what they want. I don't think they need to prove anything to anybody. They probably could have made the same ol' thrash metal album for 25 years and by 1996, when S&M was released, we probably would have criticized them for trying to be the same band they were in 1986, growing their hair out despite the receding hairlines and wearing the same scowls, T-shirts and ripped blue jeans.

Still, an orchestra. The Metallica of ...And Justice For All would have beat up the Metallica of S&M and thems just the facts. I think they're pretty content with things the way they are.

What frustrated me on the release of S&M was the band coming out of the woodworks to talk about how they were always inspired by classical music and all that jazz. What. Ever. If they'd covered The Carpenters, they would have talked about how they were so inspired by 1970s AM soft rock.

Essentially, Metallica is a band that can do what George Lucas does with the Star Wars films: Repackage them every couple of years and force everyone to rebuy it. It's a boon for the classical community -- and brought a lot of attention to symphony orchestras -- and it's a multi-platinum album for Metallica re-recording 20-year-old songs.

Also appropriate that ... And Justice For All was Jason Newsted's first album and S&M was his last. I can't do this stuff on purpose.

'Vulgar Display Of Power'

Pantera had a lot going for it. It wouldn't be until 1994 or so when Far Beyond Driven hit that the band would really overtake the high school crowd and be found in every CD collection, car and truck of teenagers everywhere no matter their actual taste in music.

By high school, I had friends that were major metal dudes listening to everything going as heavy and loud as Napalm Death, Morbid Angel, Danzig and Cannibal Corpse. They loved Pantera.

By Vulgar Display of Power in 1992 and Far Beyond Driven, they'd gone damn near mainstream. I remember girls I would have never dreamed having something in common with having that album, blaring it from their car speakers leaving the parking lot. Guys that wouldn't know Dave Mustaine if he punched them in the asshole were suddenly well aware of Dimebag or Diamond Darrell Abbott.

Pantera were very marketable. Their music really wasn't. I should say it was very marketable, but it always needed a "hit" and metal people are wont to necessarily seek radio singles and are even less likely to create them quite like Lennon and McCartney. That's why Pantera eventually become an afterthought.

Still, experts call what Pantera does "groove metal" although I don't think it sounds too entirely different from other sorts of metal or even hard rock. Abbott's blistering solos turned him into a mainstay in every guitar magazine and many were calling Phil Anselmo one of the bet metal singers ever. It had groove so it sold. For a while.

There were other factors. Not unlike an American Idol contestant from Texas, they had an audience willing to accept and love them. Entrap the hearts and minds of teenagers in rural Texas and you can sell some records.

Also, they did an image change. In the 1980s, Pantera were not unlike many glam bands. At some point, they dumped the teased air, leopard-print vests and heroin chic for bulbous faces, dirty jeans, beards, long stringy hair and trucker's caps.

They projected everyman to everyman and it worked. It doesn't help that the songs were good and that they evoked a certain amount of connection with the audience. A lot of things went write for Pantera. Except for ... well, you know.

'Paranoid'

I don't know if I've given Black Sabbath enough thought to even form an opinion.

But that's a good album. The riffs are meaty, the guitar leads are blistering (for the time), it's sludgy, British metal, and yet it doesn't forsake the melody. There are good songs here.

Foremost, I think there's "Iron Man." I've probably listened to the Cardigans' cover of "Iron Man" more than I've listened to the original.

However, I dare you know to put this on the stereo and crank it. It's a great, great song. Geezer Butler's bassline is incredible. The guitars just absolutely kill it. The lyrics make as little sense as possible.

I think you can say what you will about Ozzy Osbourne. Maybe he's a cartoon character now, but I would say that he's always been a cartoon character. His look and his antics are not entirely too different than being on a reality show and being a sort of a punchline. I don't think he cares. I sincerely believe he knows that he's had one heck of a life, one blessed compared to toiling in some Manchester coal mine or factory.

'Metallica' & 'Master Of Puppets'

These two albums, I think, show the growth of a band and the mainstreaming of heavy metal.

Master of Puppets is raw and unforgiving. It's Metallica at its most angry, the most punk and the most hardcore. They punch you in the face only to get you on the ground and put their foot on your throat. It would have been a treat to be 17 and a Metallica fan.

As for the self-titled album, it launched this little metal band in the outermost stratosphere. It spanned from the metalheads to the preppy kids to the guitar nerds to the band geeks. It did more than rock. It was a production. Their first with Bob Rock -- Mr. Mega Rock Album Producer -- and it shows. It's slick and pretty. It's the opposite of Master of Puppets in some ways and yet completely better in quite a number of others.

Metallica is chockful of stuff. I'd forgotten just how jam packed it really is: "The Unforgiven," "Wherever I May Roam," "Enter Sandman," "Don't Tread On Me," "Nothing Else Matters" and "Sad But True." Insane songs all of them. It's thick and meaty. The manic punk urgency that is missing instead is exchanged for this heavy, pounding sounds of drum, bass and guitar.

The Metallica of Master of Puppets would never have foreseen the Metallica of Metallica. I don't know if the fans from 1986 could have imagined them in 1993 or the band that they would become: Spoiled, slick-haired old men still playing their electric guitars and making faux-scowling faces in the cameras. Suing kids illegally downloading their music.

The 1986 Metallica would've punched the 2011 Metallica.

'System Of The Down'

I'm happy to be finally writing about this album so I don't need to continue listening to it.

System of the Down are the biggest cartoon of a band of all time. This pseudo-political, morality bullshit while you have super-anti-establishment facial hair. Get real.

Excuse me while I ignore the ramblings and railings of a bunch of dumb metal musicians from Southern California.

'Iron Maiden' & 'The Number Of The Beast'

My friend, Lorena, burned me these two albums because I thought there was a better than zero chance that she would actually have these albums (there's a 98 percent chance she stole them from online).

This is because she is a metalhead. She's my age. Graduated with her. Back then, she was still a metalhead and you sort of felt that she would have grown out of it by now.

She hasn't. I don't begrudge her her tastes. It is what it is. I like bands from the 1960s.

However, there's still something extremely juvenile about heavy metal and Iron Maiden is no exception. In fact, they might be the rule.

Maiden is mascoted by Eddie, a cartoon-y skeleton that is used on their album covers, videos and in concert. Their lead singer -- Bruce Dickinson ... although he was not with the band for Iron Maiden -- is a caricuture as he shrieks and warbles on these albums.

The music is primitive. It resembles a herd of woolly mammoths stampeding through the prehistoric Mongolian plains. It rumbles and soars and within a breath it plops down in the dirt and rips open the Earth with its metal claws.

It's metal. At 30, however, do you need metal? Isn't metal for the aggressive and young? Isn't it for the disillusioned and jaded?

I'd like think our tastes improve and evolve and I often feel that metal is a dinosaur that doesn't know it should be exinct.

'Rust In Peace' & 'Peace Sells ... But Who's Buying?)'

True story:

I was in high school -- had to be 14 or 15 -- and I was standing in the lunch line. It's vivid as all get out. In front of me is a kid named Mark. He was in my grade.

I knew he was a sort of a metalhead (altough he played sports) and he knew I played guitar.

He turns to me.

"Want to see what God looks like?"

"Sure."

He opens his wallet, and inside one of the photo sleeves was a shot of Dave Mustaine. I look at it, speechless. He closes his wallet and walks on. We never speak of it again.

I'll never forget that as long as I live. The day I saw God.

'Appetite for Destruction'

Probably the best debut album in history. The Beatles or Rolling Stones didn't have first albums like this. Of course, Guns n' Roses didn't have the middle and end quite like The Beatles or Stones. Details.

I didn't need to listen to this album to talk about it. I've listened to it, perhaps, 200 times. Listened to it today, 23 years after it was released, and despite its association with 1980s hair metal, it's sounds fresh. Like it could've been released last week. It sounds that good.

What I find most interesting while listening to it as an adult is that it's overall message and voice is entirely different from most rock albums.

Instead of creating some mold for how people should feel when they're partying, falling in love, breaking up, getting drunk or feeling angry, Axl Rose and Co. tear down the veil and almost literally tell you how they feel. You and I are insignificant to the Guns. It's all about them.

Most of the songs, if not all, are in first person. Axl Rose didn't create a model or rock personality to show you what loves feels like. He just tells you.

Guns n' Roses wanted to tell you what it was like being Guns n' Roses. And it's so easy.

'No Sleep 'Til Hammersmith'

Motorhead are generally considered forerunners of the metal scene. In actuality, they probably have more in common with ZZ Top than they do with Metallica or Megadeth. Motorhead is basically just sped up a little more but the difference is really negligble.

The song "Ace of Spades," Motorhead's penultimate song, is probably best known by young men and women under the age of 22 as a featured tune on "Guitar Hero 2," a video game that simulates playing the guitar and in some kind of larger set of circumstances where success is had allows the player to become a "guitar hero."

"Guitar Hero" gets permission to use real songs performed by very unreal bands. How does Motorhead really feel about this? How punk or metal is selling out to a stupid video game no matter how fun the video game actual is? What is it like to have your songs appreciated within the idiom of a video game (played by a non-real band) instead of being played by you within the vehicle of your album? So much for keepin' it real.