'Things To Come'

Did people in the 1930s really have this messed up vision of the future or is H.G. Wells just a maniac?

Would someone in 1936 be completely shocked with 1995, 2001 or 2011?

This film is set in "Everytown" which is totally not unlike, say, London or another city in England. War breaks out and chaos ensues. This, clearly, mirrors World War II and the bombings in England.

The war, however, continues for decades and humanity is thwarted back centuries and are forced into a series of city-states where martial law rules and civilizations are thrust back into the Dark Ages.

Eventually, society comes back to a modern age and the film culiminates when the people begin to reject the race toward modern living and two youngsters take a haphazard trip into space before the public can destroy the ship.

It's a relatively ridiculous film, if not borderline humorous. The visions of the initial war is a bit despairing and that's a good thing.

I would bet people of the 1930s got a supreme kick out of this film. I'm sure it was a real hoot. I'm sure they would be floored by the modern age. The Internet alone would cause their brains to absolutely ooze out of their ears. It would be the singular hardest thing to explain to a citizen of the age.

However, isn't it more interesting to think about all the things that people of the 1930s thought would be phased out with technology, but are still here. Like pencils. Toilet paper. Coats. Trains. Cigarettes. Glasses.

I guarantee you that if you transplanted a 50-year-old man in 1936 to today, it would shock him more to see how life is very much the same aside from a cacophony of conveniences that he'd just find annoying.

'Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon'

It's funny that Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon was a gigantic success in the United States; however, it was considered just another high-flying ninja movie in Asia (the Asians apparently had a huge issue with the actors' accents being wrong).

Foreign-language karate films had not been popular in the United States for the previous 30 years and I am not including The Karate Kid or the Jonathan Brandis vehicle, Sidekicks.

This film comes out and it knocks everyone's socks off because it featured stunts and choreography that Americans had never seen.

It is super smooth choreography. I like the way the actors would fight with grace and the least amount of effort. Fighting was like standing up or stretching. Nothing that resulted power or strength or brutality.

Overall, I didn't like this film for a couple of reasons. First of all, I didn't get the flying. Crazy, insane fighting and unbelievable moves are one thing. Flying is another.

Two, I hated that nobody ever killed each other. The police officer there around the beginning was killed, but the rest of the film was everyone pointing swords at each other's necks and either too scared or bold to finish the job.

Also, I hated the story. Foreign-language ninja movies typically have a really good story. Look back at all the old Japanese and Chinese films from the 1950s and 1960s. I never really minded Bruce Lee's films and their story lines. They don't need to be complicated. Just something beyond nothing.

'Fantastic Planet'

Although it was directed by a Frenchman and finished in a Paris studio, this brilliant animated feature is actually quite Czechslovakian and is considered an allegory for the Russian occupation of the country.

Following Nazi occupation through May 1945, Czechslovakia underwent a coup amidst its government when the communist party gained power and effectively took over and thus Russia was brought in as sort of the ruling sovereign state. Basically, it's a a big land grab as everyone took sides in the Cold War.

The country's assets were nationalized: Heavy industrialization took place and farming wasn't forsaken, but it was severely mistreated as it was slowly weeded out as far as the country's vision was and what Russia needed.

This history is a big mess. There is no story here of millions of Czechs dying in the fields or Stalin doing away with its entire population. But, from 1948 to 1989, the Czech people probably felt a lot like the Oms, helpless against the giant Draags. I would gather that this settlement between the countries was a bit troubling because so many Czechs lost their lives in the two world wars and then to have Russia with their greedy paws in their cookie jar had to be a tad demeaning.

Following a reform in the 1960s, censorship was tightened up in Czechslovakia and thus the finishing of Fantastic Planet was moved to Paris to avoid the censors.

'Crash'

What a disgusting piece of shit. To rhapsodize and preach about racism and present it as some sort of cartoon or caricature of real life is insulting to those of us open minded enough not to be bigots and to every step human beings have taken the last 300 or 50 or 10 years Crash is a slap in the face.

In Paul Haggis' mind, he wants to remind us all just how real racism is. He also wants to remind us all just how real stereotypes are. He might as well put Ludacris and Larenz Tate in black face. Those two were made to look ridiculous. Confronting actual stereotypes by being those very stereotypes (being dangerous). There's the hurtful Sandra Bullock as the untrusting rich lady, who'll have to look long and hard for a locksmith in Los Angeles that isn't Hispanic.

Most offensive was Jennifer Espisito's "Ria" who begins the film on an awful foot by going off on some "Asian people can't drive" comments. Nice. Low-hanging fruit, assholes. Surprised they didn't comment at the Hispanic "Ria" wasn't taking some hard-working white person's job because she'll work for less.

"Ria" continues her assault. After an aborted love-making session with Don Cheadle, the pair go on a self-righteous and completely unbelievable rant about how she's from Puerto Rico or something.

The problem with this film is that it attempts to take a very real problem and insert into a fantasty land where daughters put blanks in their father's guns and cops randomly finger bang hot women while their dash camera is picking all of this up, and the couple feel "helpless" in doing anything about it.

Problem is, cops get fired ALL THE TIME for doing bullshit things to people, nobody turns racist when they're about to get laid, no one would put up with "Ria" because she ain't that good looking and a vast, vast majority of us completely distrust people of another race. If we did, nothing would ever get done. What kills most people isn't that there are minority of people holding real racist bias, but that a majority of us could give a shit anymore.

'The Deer Hunter'

The 1970s. What are you going to do? It's like the dead-ball era in baseball for pitchers. If you were lucky enough to be born in a certain era and work in a certain industry, there were a lot of factors going your way.

I can't figure out exactly what was going on in the 1970s. My friends say that directors were allowed to make whatever movies they wanted. Probably this is true. But we still have good movies today. Full Metal Jacket was made in the 1980s. The Deer Hunter isn't especially graphic (disturbing, yes; graphic, no). Outside of it being four hours long, the makers of The Deer Hunter didn't get away with anything, per se.

I think there are many other factors. First, the audience. Filmgoers today demand a certain amount of simplicity. They want filmmakers to meet them halfway when they go to the cinema. In the 1970s, films like The Godfather, The Deer Hunter, Apocalypse Now, One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest and Chinatown were not only making money, but turning the heads of critics. Today's film fans can't stand sitting in on a three-hour movie unless it has killer design or CGI.

With that, you had actors and directors that could do these insanely awesome films because they were making money and winning awards. These days, serious actors must make the money-making film before they can do the thought-provoking indie flick.

Once they got Robert De Niro involved, it all clicked. Meryl Streep was brought in. John Cazale (who didn't live long enough to see the film as a finished product) followed. You had a really good core to go with. Adding Christopher Walken and others was just icing on the cake. Those people wanted to make important films. I can just imagine all of them hanging out together between filmings talking about what they are going to do next. How each will take their occupation to the next level. It was exciting not necessarily because of the actors or directors. But everyone -- investors, fans, critics -- were all pulling the same way.

'The Incredible Shrinking Man'

This is an interesting film. What would you do if you shrunk to the size of a few inches.

I would honestly make the most out of it. I think I'd want to be alone. I couldn't stand being around my wife and family -- all scary giants -- as they looked down (literally) on me and felt sorry for me. I'm already two inches tall. There are worse things. I don't need to feel bad.

Generally, there are accomodations are inch-tall people. A crust from a slice of bread will last you six months. A drop of water is your supply for the day. Indoor plumbing would be a problem, but general access to food water and the basics is there because of the lack of need on a daily basis.

I'd live in a dollhouse and just chill out. Problem is, they don't make tiny books or tiny TVs. It might geting boring. If I were educated enough, I'd attempt to build a camera and take photographs and make films from my perspective and somehow have them transferred to a regular-sized format. People can see Earth from the tiniest of perspective.

I'd also fight a bunch of spiders and poison the cat.

'Sideways'

Ohhhhhhh. I get it.

Paul Giamatti's character is the pinot noir grape: Fragile, thin-skinned and in need of constant attention. However, if he ... err, the grape receives that attention, then he ... ummm, it is possible of great things.

Meanwhile, Thomas Haden Church's character is the cabernet grape. Tough. Works with anything, anywhere.

I love thinly-veiled metaphors in film. Often, they are buried so deep in the narrative that they are lost. I appreciate a director that'll serve it up on a silver platter.

Fun fact: Sales of merlot wine dropped in the United States while sales of pinot noir increased by 16 percent following the release of this film.