'Protection' & 'Blue Lines'

My perception of Massive Attack was extremely off.

I found them -- at least on these two albums -- neither "massive" nor catgorized as an "attack." More like a "Marginal Affront."

I thought Massive Attack was aggressive and driving: A lot of songs assaulting the ear drums and pushing the limits of the human mind in accepting sonic ice cream headaches.

Instead it's a bunch of mellow electronica. Dance music for Generation X to drive their kids to soccer practice.

I can't imagine anyone listening to this. Moreso, if anyone did listen to it, I don't know where they'd do it. Possibly while doing heroin.

'Trafalgar' & 'Odessa'

I was very excited at one point to learn that the Bee Gees were not just the disco vocal group with the dead brother Andy and the relatively ugly looking twin brothers.

At one point, in the beginning, they were a band, with drummers and stuff. They wrote and released their own songs and were mild hits.

Somewhere beyond the falsetto vocals and danceable beats was a band of brothers that just wanted to be The Beatles.

With the highest and most interested of expectations, I was extremely disappointed to listen to these albums and be assaulted by a series of caterwauling. Geez Louise.

I though Barry Gibb's falsetto was obnoxious on those disco tunes, but the screeching that takes place in their early years is abhorent. It's cancer to the ears. It's simply one of the worst things ever.

I don't care if they did write "How Can You Mend A Broken Heart?"

'Stripped' & 'Back To Basics'

I have a friend is more than likely to extol the virtues of South Korean punk if you talk music. He's also sort of a dork when it comes to music.

He loves him some pop music. Bad pop music. Pop music is popular. Thus "pop" music. It is full of basic lyricism and insanely catchy hooks. Songs without either are not popular, typically.

I was shocked one day when my friend -- Mr. Punk Rock -- said that Christina Aguilera's albums were not as bad as you might think and that they have value.

"Pshaw," I retorted.

And I was right. I'm not right often (just ask my wife!) (please!), but I'm right here. Christina Aguilera sucks. Her songs suck. The albums suck.

Let me tell you something about good-looking singers: They are a dime a dozen. They are every where. Are they all necessarily as polished as Aguilera or do they sing as high? No. But what difference does it make whether she can hit a high "C" and someone else can hit an "A"?

Go into any church on a Sunday morning. Watch "American Idol" some time. Those kids that don't win are all good singers and a lot of them are good looking. Slap some double Ds on them, inject some botox, dye the hair and run those vocals through enough processing to stun a mastodon and you have Christina Aguilera.

'Metallica' & 'Master Of Puppets'

These two albums, I think, show the growth of a band and the mainstreaming of heavy metal.

Master of Puppets is raw and unforgiving. It's Metallica at its most angry, the most punk and the most hardcore. They punch you in the face only to get you on the ground and put their foot on your throat. It would have been a treat to be 17 and a Metallica fan.

As for the self-titled album, it launched this little metal band in the outermost stratosphere. It spanned from the metalheads to the preppy kids to the guitar nerds to the band geeks. It did more than rock. It was a production. Their first with Bob Rock -- Mr. Mega Rock Album Producer -- and it shows. It's slick and pretty. It's the opposite of Master of Puppets in some ways and yet completely better in quite a number of others.

Metallica is chockful of stuff. I'd forgotten just how jam packed it really is: "The Unforgiven," "Wherever I May Roam," "Enter Sandman," "Don't Tread On Me," "Nothing Else Matters" and "Sad But True." Insane songs all of them. It's thick and meaty. The manic punk urgency that is missing instead is exchanged for this heavy, pounding sounds of drum, bass and guitar.

The Metallica of Master of Puppets would never have foreseen the Metallica of Metallica. I don't know if the fans from 1986 could have imagined them in 1993 or the band that they would become: Spoiled, slick-haired old men still playing their electric guitars and making faux-scowling faces in the cameras. Suing kids illegally downloading their music.

The 1986 Metallica would've punched the 2011 Metallica.

'L.A. Woman'

L.A. Woman was the swan song for one of the worst, most overhyped and underwhelming bands in modern pop culture, The Doors.

The album itself actually isn't that bad. For The Doors it's pretty good. It's a bare bones project without a lot of production or over thinking things. Not all the lyrics are Jim Morrison's incoherent dribble.

The album was recorded between December 1970-January 1971. The album would be released in April 1971. In December 1970, The Doors began a tour in the south starting in Dallas. The next night was in New Orleans and that's when Morrison ahd his infamous freak out. He smashed the stage with a microphone stand and sat down refusing to perform.

The rest of the band agree to stop touring. Eight months later, Morrison would wind up dead in Paris. At least they went out not being total miserable assholes. Except for them actually all being assholes.

'American Pie'

I think the song, "American Pie" is just the greatest song ever. Or one of the greatest. It's really good no matter how you slice it.

I remember my young teenage years when I first heard it and I remember trying to figure out the lyrics, obviously some kind of ode to "The Day the Music Died" when Buddy Holly, Ritchie Valens and everyone not Waylon Jennings died in that airplane crash.

However, it's a cryptic song. I asked my mother about it and she thought it was religious. Don McLean references "the devil's only friend," "Satan," "the father, son and Holy Ghost," "God," "Bible" and "soul."

She said that Satan was the choir leader (for lack of a better word) before he was cast down from heaven for getting all high and mighty. That would be the "day the music died."

It's flimsy. I tend to agree with the general consensus that it refers to McLean's discovery of the crash, the 1960s and the turmoil (assassinations, whatnot) that took place that killed the "innocence" (getting girls pregnant in the back of cars, smoking weed) of the era.

Some brilliant lyrics in here. Some of my favorites:

"Now for 10 years we’ve been on our own/And moss grows fat on a rollin’ stone/But that’s not how it used to be."

"Do you believe in rock ’n roll/Can music save your mortal soul/And can you teach me how to dance real slow?"

"Well, I know that you’re in love with him/`Cause I saw you dancin’ in the gym."

Later, Madonna would cover the song and Grand Rapids, Mich. would make a music video using the song as a way to promote their city.

As to what McLean said the song meant to him: " "It means I never have to work again."

Funny.

'Blood, Sweat And Tears'

Blood, Sweat and Tears are known for their horn-driven R&B blues rock and the fact that they've had about 130 different players in the band.

Horn sections will do that to you, but Chicago hasn't had the line-ups that BS&T has had over hte years. It also doesn't help being around for 40 years and keeping the band all together.

Eventually, you have to begin to wonder whether or not being in BS&T really means anything anymore. It's like attempting to fall in love with the town prostitute. Can you really fall for someone that everyone's had a go at?

As far as the music, I can take it or leave it. That lead singer's voice is obnoxiously gravelly. The tunes are mundane at best. At worst, they're forgettable. I don't know what is actually worse.

Another fun note about this album is that it won a Grammy over The Beatles' Abbey Road, which is one of the singular worse things ever.