'Jurassic Park'

Jurassic Park was released in 1993, square in my early-teenage years.

I don't know why, but I took a strong philosophical stand against Jurassic Park. At 13. It's inexplicable because I barely have any principles now and I can't imagine having many at 13. I was more interesting in girls and heavy metal bands.

Anyway, I vowed never to see the film after seeing how utterly commercial it was. The studio spent $65 million in promotion. That means before the film was even seen, there were stores full of Jurassic Park apparel, toys, lunch boxes and junk. I was pretty punk rock in my own way.

Seventeen years later and I finally watch it.

And it's quite possibly one of the worst films I've ever seen.

There's not a redeeming quality to this film mainly because they cover up all the bloody parts with a well-placed branch or never opt to show the bloodshed. Jurassic Park is made in 2010 and we see Samuel L. Jackson getting treated like a Lunchable.

The cast is ridiculous. Laura Dern is the best we could get? Sam Neill. Cripes. The writing is awful, but the acting is worst. That little boy should have been taken in the jungle nad shot. He made me throw up in my mouth about a half dozen times.